


The Grim Reaper's ABC's

by sweetheartlamb



Category: The Simpsons
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Corpses, Disturbing Themes, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Major Character(s), Major Original Character(s), Minor Canonical Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Original Character(s), Past Character Death, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26332666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartlamb/pseuds/sweetheartlamb
Summary: A 'story' to get into the Halloween mood. (Yes, I know it isn't Halloween yet, but I'm doing it anyway.)Bart gets stuck in a forest and then the Grim Reaper (*fake cough* Remus *FAKE COUGH*) says the ABC's to him. That's it.
Kudos: 3





	1. Introduction

Not even the moon could help Bart Simpson now.

The sticks on the ground cracked against his shoes as he desperately tried to run out of the forest. It seemed to stretch out for miles. The ground looked dryer and dirtier the more time he spent here. 'l can't believe I'm thinking this, but I _really_ should've stayed back at camp. At least I could leave camp whenever I wanted to...' he thought, both scared and annoyed with the neverending forest. Bart wondered for a bit more before tripping on a particularly curled piece of wood.

"Oof!" he exclaimed. The boy sat back up and realized he scratched his knee. What he _didn't_ realize is that a mysterious person in a cloak was walking up to him. "Hello there, _boy._ " they said, in order to get his attention. He turned around and jumped, saying that one catchphrase of his.

"Don't be afraid, I mean you no harm. I am Remus, the Grim Reaper." they said, introducing themselves. "Now, you know who I am." Bart slowed stepped away, but Remus grabbed his arm. "While you're here, I might as well give you some edutainment." they told him. 

"Edutainment? _Hell_ no. That's the reason I ran away from camp in the first place!" Bart replied.

"Erm...It's about death?"

"Interesting offer...Perhaps I'll do it then."

"Good." they said, grabbing Bart's hand. "Let's get going." Bart noticed that this time, more then just the grounds texture changed. Corpses, covered in bone-like sticks that poked in and out of their bodies, soon cluttered their path. Remus stopped to the body of a man that only was covered by a towel and his hair. They cleared their throat, and began.


	2. A-D

_"here lies ADAM,_   
_the first man to be_   
_now doomed to drown in this sea of trees_   
_ate the apple along with EVE_   
_and now they can never leave..."_

Bart had never heard a poem which a structure like that before. He wondered about it for a while, failing to realize they just mentioned Adam and Eve. It'll probably hit him like a dump truck soon. Bart heard Remus mutter something under their breath and walk to another man. A duo of men, actually.

They tapped their cane at one of the sticks, then said...

_"here_ _lies BURNS_   
_and his accomplice, SMITHERS_   
_left to die in the withers_   
_monster by day, creature by night_   
_they both died fighting what is natural and right."_

Unlike last time, Bart noticed something off. "Hey, Burns and Smithers aren't dead!" he yelled at the reaper. They responded by knocking his head with the cane. "Hush, boy. They're dead now." Remus reassured. And, as if they never mentioned the corpses, they went to the next one.

"This one is particularly gruesome. View at your own discretion..." the reaper warned. The body was mush, with bark growing out of him like weeds. Bart looked away, but decided to peek when Remus didn't see him. "Now..." they began.

 _"here lies CASSIE_ ,  
 _the crushed man_  
 _by his indecision, he could not ran_  
 _to either inside or out of the dome_  
 _a death he wasn't warned of, you know..."_

Bart had no funny comment for that one. It even sounded comprehensive this time. Remus then walked up to a marshal. Tapping the cane, they said another 'poem'.

_"here lies DILLON  
killed by a child  
broke his record on the minute, how wild  
he was a marshal, no doubt  
but he just couldn't shoot it out."_

Bart wondered how they knew his name. Perhaps it's because they're the Reaper? And who exactly did they mean by ' _a child_ '? It certainly wasn't him. He thought about these questions while Remus pulled him to the next shallow grave.


	3. E-H

It was another man Bart didn't know of.

_"here lies EMILE  
who's helicopter crashed  
and body was smashed  
and so he returns to the woods  
leaving behind his worldly goods."_

"What did he do?" he asked. Remus merely shrugged and sludged through the woods once more. This time, it seems there will be more then one poem. Technically, it's still alphabetical! Laid in front of the two were a censor and a blue-collar worker.

_"here lies FOX CENSOR  
who was...well, a Fox censor  
and he leaked blood like a dispenser  
he was so vacant, waiting  
till he was killed for the ratings."_

_"here lies FRANK  
a realistic man and my former boyfriend  
till he left me and was brought to his dead end  
not by me, you see  
but by HOMER, from Sector 7-G."_

"Hey, you never said I had to hear more than one poem!" Bart said, more annoyed by the inconsequential added poem then...well, _anything else._ They scoffed in response and told him they had something special. The two detoured though a thorny patch of grass to find a giantic, broken jack-o-lantern. "Ahem..."

_"here lies the GRAND PUMPKIN  
taken over by the weeds  
spilling out his seeds  
now, he's just chow  
he's actually pretty delicious, somehow..."_

"...Would you like to try?" the reaper asked. Bart didn't reply, since he was busy looking at the pumpkin in awe. 'Why is it so big? And was it ever alive?' he thought. When knocking his head didn't work, he dragged him to the next dead guy. A French soldier, in fact!

_"here lies HOMEUR (not HOMER)  
a French soldier who burnt down  
but before he did, he was talk of the town  
he was a man of many wars  
and left the world scarred and torn."_

They said, as Bart got a hold of his surroundings. "Perhaps you're related to him?" Remus asked. Bart just wondered about the details of those wars. Remus, while irritated, knew that they had all the time in the world, but they'd rather not waste it on some child. "Bart." they said.

"Yeah? Is this about Homeur?"

"Is he related to you?"

Bart only shrugged. They sighed and pulled him to another corpse once again.


	4. I-L

...Well, that corpse wasn't a corpse at all, technically. Remus began the poem, blunt as can be.

"here _lies INVESTO...  
...oh, what can I say?  
he was just a robot that passed away."_

"...Well, that wasn't very impressive, wasn't it? Thankfully, I have something better on my sleeve." they admitted. Bart wondered what that was supposed to mean, since Remus came off as...fairly lame. And once again, they pulled on the boy to drag him to the next destination.

_"here lies JUDAS  
the one who betrayed JESUS  
and fell his way down to meet us  
try as he might to make amends  
his suffering will never end."_

_'_ Finally, something that's debatablely _cool_.' Bart thought. '...Wait-' He finally realized that a few religious figures were in Remus' mix. Good for him. Remus hid their laughter as they picked up Bart to yet another body. "I believe this one is familiar to you?" they spoke, still holding him.

_"here lies KRABAPPEL  
who died in her sleep  
and sunk to the depths so deep  
she left life on a bitter note  
and with an extremely sore throat."_

Bart began to cry. Of course, since this was Remus, they did nothing to sooth him. The only reason they brought him to another grave was so they didn't have to hear him cry. "I'm sure this will...eh, make you feel better." they promised.

_  
"here lies LENORE  
the lost and deceased  
the raven's last but not least  
as she was dragged by the hearse  
twelve crows crowed for a terrible curse."_

"...T-That wasn't helpful at a-all!" Bart sobbed. Remus dropped him and let him run off. They debated whenever or not to chase after him, giving that he was acting like a paperweight. They soon decided that he was the first living human they had to talk with, so they should find him. Remus ran off, aimless as Bart himself, in 'hope' they'd find him again.


	5. M-P

Remus found Bart quietly staring at a familiar face. Literally, since it was once of the few areas on her that wasn't obscured by moss. To Remus, the logical thing to do was say a poem to gather his attention. "Ahem..." they started.

_"here lies MAUDE,  
soft, yet resilient as...heck  
sent by the gods to die a slow, agonizing death  
here she lies now, mossy and unspoken  
mainly because all her bones are broken."_

He turned around, and asked about the third line. "What did that mean?" more specifically. "Voices can be such a pain." they replied, in a cryptic tone. Bart decided that prodding further wouldn't help and merely frowned. Perhaps the next poem would make more sense... This time, he dragged Remus to someone of his choosing.

_  
"here lies NEUBAUER  
beloved husband and old grouch  
despite his drive, he became a slouch  
one lone day, with a pair of tongs  
he came to the woods, where he belongs."_

Bart frowned even more. This was just as cryptic as their response. Was it intentional, just so Remus could mess with him? Or was it just coincidence? What did he even die from, anyway? "...Hmpf. I'll get you something...or really, someone, less cryptic if that's what you desire." they said, practically reading Bart's thoughts. They took Bart to another man and put his death quite bluntly.

_  
"here lies O'BANNON  
who died in a hockey game  
and soon was maimed  
by a guy named Chuck  
boy, what a schmuck!"_

"Who is the schmuck here?" Remus asked. "Is it O'Bannon? Chuck?" Then, they pointed at Bart. "Or is it you?" "God, even when you're trying not to be cryptic, you still do it anyways. I didn't even know that was _possible_." Bart scoffed. The reaper scoffed as well, and walked off to another poor soul. "Perhaps you want something even less secretive, yes?" they offered. He wondered, but they dragged him to the new rendezvous before he could answer.

_  
"here lies PETE  
who's body was never found  
so I keep a replica here down  
perhaps he was made into pie  
oh, what a way to die."_

"...Hey, how do you know what he looks like if he was turned into a pie?" the boy asked. Remus patted his head and said "I was a human once, too." 'It explained so little', he thought. 'All I have are more questions...' What happened to Remus and where the hell was he were the first two to come to mind. Perhaps he'll find out soon enough...


	6. Q-T

Meanwhile, Remus led him to someone not human at all. A chicken, actually. Bart wasn't very interested in hearing strange poems at this point, but it wasn't like he had anywhere else to go. So, he sat down and listened to this poor chicken's tale.

_"here lies QUEENIE  
a chicken with a heart of gold  
and ended in water, behold  
a chicken covered in sizzling rain  
and an endless amount of pain."_

This particular poem...it reminded Bart of the acid rain that would sometimes rain down in some parts of Springfield. Thankfully, it didn't rain where he lived or anything like that. His dad, on the other hand... Nah, it didn't worry him that much. As usual, Bart was too busy musing to realize Remus was dragging him around like a ragdoll. "This one is _especially_ special..." they said.

_  
"here lies REMUS (that's me)  
who tried to crawl out of this hell  
but then accidentally fell  
however, I made a deal with the devil  
and now my life is swell..."_

"...Wait, you lived here?" he asked, snapped out of his musing. At least, it answered one of his questions...

"Once. I prefer not to think about it." they answered, turning around. "Now, now, time for another poem."

" _Hey!_ You can't just admit you both lived down here and sold your soul then just dismiss it!" Bart yelled.

They knocked the angry boy with their cane. "Of course I can. Come on." They led him who looked familiar. Almost like...him, but dirtier and crumbly. Probably just the curly bark poking though them.

_  
"here lies SIMPSON, H.  
who only wanted peace  
but his chance was seized  
by his family, who didn't think twice  
and ended up sewing up a bird and mice."_

"...What does the last line mean?" he asked, genuinely curious. Remus tapped their cane at the branches while thinking about the answer. "Perhaps it's metaphorical. Perhaps it's physical. Perhaps it's both, or perhaps it's something different." they told him. Bart merely frowned. They set their hand on his head, ruffled his hair, and said "Don't worry, I have something up my sleeve you might like. Come on." They walked to another man as Bart followed.

_  
"here lies TONY  
man of the Springfield mafia  
and looked like a victim of insomnia  
had a heart attack when he was betrayed  
and that was the end of his days."_

"Wooooow..." Bart whispered. Remus, although they finally interested him, couldn't help but roll their eyes. Compared to a few...'beloved' items on their list, he wasn't very special. 'Besides,' they thought seeing Bart break off one of the branches and poking the mafia leader with it, 'that poor boy will just prod and poke him to death...again.' They snatched the stick out of his hand, hit him lightly with it, and led him to yet another person.


	7. V-Z

"I have another poem for T." they said, coming across a watery grave. "Watch out for sea bugs." Remus loosened their grip so Bart wouldn't have to touch the slimy water. "Ahem..."

_"here lies the CAPTAIN, TENILLE  
who was fired as a torpedo  
and was crushed by the flow  
who died as what he loved  
too bad he couldn't do it above."_

"Hey," Bart yelled from a few inches away. "How'd he become a torpedo?"

"Tis a mystery. Anyways, it seemed like the mob interests you." they said, changing the subject. Bart took the bait and nodded. The reaper chuckled under their breath and said "Well, I have another one to show you." Remus lead the way, and Bart was willingly walking with them this time. ...But it didn't take long for Bart to realize what Remus meant.

_  
"here lies VIKTOR  
a mob boss like TONY  
and had his own group of cronies  
till he was stabbed in the throat  
and sent, stuck here, with no antidote."_

"I thought you were gonna talk about another one of Tony's friends. Who the hell is this guy?"

"Yes, yes, because _that's_ the thing you should be worrying about."

Bart tried to scuff them up, but their hand took quick care of that. "Well, if you're _that_ irritated, let's look at something else. Something...out of this world." They picked Bart up and brought him to another bunch of robots. They even had a good poem to go with it this time!

_  
"here lies the WASP CAMERAS  
KANG and KODOS' spies  
they worked so hard till the sun rised  
because then they were all broken  
so the SIMPSONS (and APU) could get their tokens."_

"...What?" the boy asked.

"I thought this was familiar to you, wasn't it?"

"Wasp cameras? Tokens? Apu? What does this even mean?" he replied. "...But it _does_ sound pretty cool. Better then being stuck with _you_ , anyway."

"Hey! I'm not boring. ...Well, while we're on the topic of things you've never heard of, that reminds me of letter Y." they spoke. And so, they both walked to the next wooden person.

_  
"here lies YVONNE  
who seeked death  
and got exactly that  
she thought she this was the path to the angels  
but instead got something rather painful."_

"Now, this one...I don't blame you if you don't know her." Remus told him. Bart thought carefully, then asked for a little more info. "Hm. If I remember correctly, she's the younger sister of 'well-known' grunge lass, Brickell. I bet you would've liked them." He, in all honesty, did admit he would've liked them. But then again...

Is Brickell still alive? Remus never said she was dead, but the neverending forest hid many secrets. And, of course, that's assuming Brickell and Yvonne are real people. Remus sounded like the type of person to scam someone off like that...

"Bart. This is the end of the trip. It's one of your relatives."

Bart looked at the corpse in front of him. Is it it? Is it really the end? He looked at Remus next, then nodded. "Go on..." Remus did their signature *ahem*, and started the last poem.

_  
"here lies ZELLA  
known as "HAPPY" SIMPSON  
and ended up in prison  
she was someone up to no good  
and now she's stuck in the woods."_

Twenty-six letters set him free. Remus patted him on the head and said "You can go now, boy. The exit's northwest." They pointed to the rising sun. "Just follow the sun, and everything will be alright." Bart ran off, willing to go back to camp. Surely, nothing bad could happen now!


	8. Ending

Although the sun glared in Bart's eyes, he couldn't help but watch it. It was his way back to the living world. The bodies started to disappear, and the trees stopped being so curly. He sometimes tripped on a loose branch, but otherwise was fine. The wilted flora was slowly replaced with thriving greenery. It was beautiful.

The forest finally gave way to the camp, with Bart overhearing a convention.

"I'm sorry Mrs. and Mr. Simpson, but we couldn't find him and it's been at least a week. He's most likely dead." the consular said.

"...B-But it can't be!" Marge cried. "Surely you could look a few more-"

"We _can't_. It's in our guidelines. And it's not like Bart will just-" he said, before eyeing the lost-then-found boy. "...DEAR GOD, IT'S _**HIM**_!" he yelped, dropping his phone.

He ran towards Bart and hugged him. "You're here! Where was you been? And what happened to you?" the man inquired. His words made Bart remember how scuffed he looked. He was dirty and bruised. "...Would you believe me if I told you?" Bart asked.

"Go ahead."

"...Well, I got lost in the forest at night, accidentally got stuck in the afterlife, and met a loser named the Grim Reaper who told me a bunch of poems and hit me a lot." he told the consular. He walked back to his phone, and told Bart's parents that he got lost in the forest and experienced terrible hallucinations. "Just as long as my boy's safe..." Marge sighed. The man hung up and held Bart's hand. "C'mon, let's get back to camp. We don't want anyone more worried then they already are." And as they walked back to the campgrounds, Bart noticed something.

The sun helped Bart when the moon didn't.


End file.
